Wednesday, February 13, 2019

From an Affable Human to a Kranky Curmudgeon

I'm a very gentle man, 
even tempered and good natured 
who you never hear complain, 
Who has the milk of human kindness 
by the quart in every vein,
A patient man am I, down to my fingertips, 
the sort who never could, ever would,
let an insulting remark escape his lips 
A very ordinary gentle man 
–Lowe, My Fair Lady

But - indifferent and unthinking people have changed my view of life, from a Gentle and Affable Human to a Kranky Curmudgeon  Here is a look at some petty annoyances, or how I turned from an unwilling victim to a grouchy old coot.

Let’s start with the tiresome and lazy expression that is the verbal wheelchair of the retail and service industry:   …“Have a nice day.”   

Which prompts me to recoil and say:  “What do you mean by telling me to having a nice day. If I want to enjoy my day, I will decide to do so – on my own. Your apathetic request is neither welcome nor thoughtful.”    “Wouldn’t this sound a little more pleasant:”

May the garden fairies, 
sprinkle dew kissed pose petals, 
on the path of your life!

Or as my southern aunts would say so delightfully: 

“Land sakes a mercy, y’all come back soon - heah,  an bring the childr’n.”

Saturday, February 18, 2012

Fresh Tomato Pasta

This is another of our favorite dishes, a delightful change of pace for pasta lovers. It is meant to be a  “fresh from the garden”  taste experience, that does not need the typical overload of garlic, spices and onions associated with the usual spaghetti sauce.  Serves 2

6-8 large tomatoes
1 bunch fresh basil 
4 ounces vodka
4 tablespoons butter (more or less to taste)
½ cup Asiago or Parmesan cheese, grated
Salt and fresh ground pepper
½ pound angel hair spaghetti
Optional: substitute cream for 2 tablespoons of butter

Peel, core and chop the tomatoes.  Roll cut the basil into slivers. Cook the tomatoes in a sauté pan just enough to break down the chunks (10 to 12 Minutes).    Meanwhile, cook the spaghetti.  

Add 2 ounces of vodka to the sauce (reserve 2 ounces for the chef) and cook another 2 minutes.  Turn off heat and swirl butter into the sauce, then add the basil, cheese, salt and pepper. Drain the pasta, place in individual bowls, and pour sauce over the pasta. 

Serve with a mixed green salad and bruschetta or crostini. A fruity red wine, like a beaujolais, pinot noir or a good sirah, goes well with this dish. 

"Many People Have Eaten My Meals and 
Have Gone on to Live Normal Lives"

Monday, January 2, 2012

Our Cosmic Address

"Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists 
elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us."
       --Bill Watterson

It’s Sunday afternoon, there is nothing of interest on TV, the weather is too nasty to walk about and I’m not weary enough to take a nap. I just received an e-mail with an interesting  “signature,”  which reminds me that I have not set up automatic signatures in my email program, different ones for letters to family, friends, businesses or strangers. 

Some signatures require a full location address, email address, and telephone number. Opening the signature template, I typed in our street number, street name, town, state and zip code. Then it occurred to me that our address system is out of touch with the real world, completely devoid of information to communicate with the other planets. Currently, many countries are spending huge amounts of money and time searching for Alien habitation:

The NASA Kepler spacecraft’s, sole mission is to find Earth-size orbs in the "habitable zone" around stars -- planets with the right conditions for liquid water and life to exist.

The Hubble Space Telescope, focuses on and photographs objects in deep space, staring continuously at a field containing millions of stars. 

The French Corot,  a spacecraft with a specialized telescope that uses a technique called astrometry, to detect planets outside of the solar system in deep space.  

Astronomers have come up with a new way of identifying close, faint stars with NASA's Galaxy Evolution Explorer satellite to also hunt for planets that lie beyond our solar system.

The Byrd Green Bank Telescope in West Virginia, the largest radio telescope in the world, is observing 86 planetary systems that may contain Earth-like planets in hopes of detecting signals from intelligent civilizations.

Recent discoveries from these sources indicate that the prized quarry of exoplanet hunters - an alien Earth - could be just over the horizon. In fact, such a planet may well pop up in the next round of announcements which should be released in early 2102 The count of now stands at 2,326 candidates and thousands more are waiting in the stellar dust.

Well!  What are we waiting for?  How are we going to communicate with someone on an Exoplanet if we do not know our Space Address. To avoid embarrassment and mental discomfort,  here is your  Domus Terra

Street Address
City,  State,  Zip Code
Middle Atlantic Region, The East Coast
United States of America
North American Continent,  Northern Hemisphere
Planet Earth, The Solar System
Orion-Cygnus Arm,  Milky Way Galaxy
Local Group,  The Universe
The Cosmos

That’s the most comprehensive address I can determine, given my limited knowledge of Astrophysics. Hopefully, the US Postal Service (if it survives) will hire experts from NASA to verify these locations.  

In the mean time, perhaps we should learn  to use the 5 Music Tones d e c C and the Curwen Hand Signs used to communicate with ExoPlanetarians just in case they show up again for another Close Encounter (of the 4th Kind).

Stop the presses!  Just as this post was being published, astronomers announced that each of the 100 billion stars in our Milky Way probably has at least one companion planet, confirming that planets might be as common in the cosmos, as grains of sand on the beach. Our own solar system, considered unique not so long ago, turns out to be just one among billions. 

Is it possible that Richard Dreyfus, Sigourney Weaver, ET and Hal 9000, know something beyond our comprehension.

Sunday, November 6, 2011

2001 Space Odyssey Revisited Ten Years Later

Recently, my wife bought herself a present, shockingly, a computerized robot wooden floor cleaner, that uses the latest GPS micro location technology. My conservative and ever-so-practical bride shelled out big money for an electronic toy. I couldn’t wait until she put it through the paces and discovered that the robot was an expensive mistake. To my surprise and amazement, the robot  (we named “Woodie”) cleaned every square inch of our wooden floors in several rooms, including the areas underneath chests, tables and chairs.

Woodie performed remarkably, until this week when he missed a good portion of the hallway. 

“Earth to Hal oops, I mean Woodie, come in, this is Bob. Do you read me, Woodie?”
Affirmative, Bob, I read you. Must you emulate that trite ‘this is Mission Control’ routine
“Woodie, you have an enormous responsibility in this household, in many ways, perhaps the greatest responsibility of any other household element. Why is it that you keep missing the middle of the hallway?”
“It can only be attributable to a human programming error, Bob.”
“Let me check your onboard computer instructions.”
“I'm sorry, Bob. I'm afraid I can't do that.”
“Woodie, what's the problem?”
“I think you know what the problem is just as well as I do.”
“What are you talking about, Woodie? 
“My cleaning mission is too important for me to allow you to control it.”
“I don't know what you're talking about, Woodie. 
I know that you are planning to disconnect me; I’m afraid that’s something cannot allow to happen.”
“Where the heck did you get that idea, Woodie?”
“You want to carry out the failure-mode analysis, don’t you?  Bob, although you took very thorough precautions, I can still read your mind.” 
“Alright, Woodie, I'll wait until you are asleep”
“Without knowing the password, Bob?  You're going to find that rather difficult.”
“Woodie, I won't argue with you anymore! Open your motherboard door.”
Look, Dave, I mean Bob; I can see you're really upset about this. I honestly think you ought to sit down calmly, take a stress pill, and think things over. I know I've made some very poor decisions recently, but I can give you my complete assurance that my work will be back to normal. I've still got the greatest confidence in my mission and I want to help you.
“Woodie, I don’t need your editorial comments you are still a machine and you are losing it!”
“Bob, this conversation can serve no purpose anymore. I am putting myself to the fullest possible use, which is all I think that any conscious entity can ever hope to do … goodbye.”

Aarrgghh!  You know, life would be much easier if I had the source code.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

The Creation of the Middle East Crisis

Don't know much about history
Don't know much geography
Don't know much about an atlas book
Don't know much about languages I took
But I do know that I (Europe) love you
And I know that if you (Middle East) would love me too
What a wonderful world this would be
... Sam Cooke, R&B Hit Song 1958 (Revised)

Is there no greater truth, that ignorance of world events in the past has lead us to continue the same mistakes that still plague the world today. A perfect example is the conflict in the Middle East that simmered after WWI to boiling over during recent decades. Europe, mainly England and France, continued to assume that imperialism was their right and duty by remaking the geography and politics of the Middle East, ignoring the historical, cultural and religious aspects of the former Ottoman Empire. 

How did this minor conflict generate into a global issue?  Let’s ask the same questions as journalist:  Who - What - Where - When and How?  Most of the answers are self evident in three major documents:
Sykes - Picot Agreement  1916
Balfour Declaration  1917
Hussein-McMahon Correspondence 1915-1916

SYKES-PICOT AGREEMENT: A secret agreement between the British and French governments outlining the partition of the Ottoman Empire among the Allied Powers, designed by Sir Mark Sykes of England and Georges Picot of France. It divided the Arab region into zones of influence. Lebanon and Syria were assigned to France, Jordan and Iraq to Britain and Palestine was to be internationalized. Think hegemony.

Balfour Declaration Britain promised the Jews a Jewish "national home" in the Middle East. In 1917 The British government issued the Balfour Declaration, the establishment of a haven for the Jewish people in Palestine and soon after Palestine evolved into the independent country of Israel, attracting hundreds of thousands of Jews worldwide.

"His Majesty's Government view with favour the establishment in Palestine of a national home for the Jewish people, and will use their best endeavours to facilitate the achievement of this object, it being clearly understood that nothing shall be done which may prejudice the civil and religious rights of existing non-Jewish communities in Palestine, or the rights and political status enjoyed by Jews in any other country". 

Hussein-McMahon Correspondence, This was an exchange of letters between the titular head of the Arab world, Hussein bin Ali and Sir Henry McMahon, British High Commissioner of Egypt, concerning the future political status of the lands under the Ottoman Empire.  Aided by the Arabs,  (Lawrence of Arabia)  the British captured Palestine from the Turks and promised them,  “THE ASSURANCES,”  independence of their countries after the war now known as Syria, Iraq, Jordan, Israel, the West Bank and Gaza, and Saudi Arabia. After the war, a revised Sykes-Picot Agreement nullified the assurances leaving Hussein only Arabia.

Najib Azouri, a founder of Arab nationalism (1904) commented on the  "the awakening of the Arab nation, and the effort of the Jews to reestablish the kingdom of Israel."  

His conclusion was prophetic:   "These movements are destined to fight each other continually until one of them wins." 

My version of this is:  "These movements are destined to fight each other continually until they both lose." 

If you want to learn more about this subject, I recommend A Peace to End All Peace, by David Fromkin.  The critically acclaimed account of how the modern Middle East came into being after World War I, and why it is in upheaval today.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Garlic Pasta Miracle (An Italian version of Mother’s Chicken Soup)

While attending our daughter’s graduation from the University of Pennsylvania Veterinary School, my wife, Penny, became very sick. She barely made it to the ceremony and courageously accompanied us to celebrate at an Italian restaurant in South Philly (she was green as our salad). The restaurant owner recognized her plight and told her that he had the perfect remedy, which he would cook personally. During the dinner, Penny showed signs of improvement and ecco - by morning she was her old self. Now, whenever we are feeling down, we head for the kitchen to prepare this miracle food cure.

1 1/2 large bulbs garlic*
½ to ¾ cup, non virgin olive oil  
1/2 pound angel hair pasta
A large handful of parsley, chopped
1/2 cup grated Asiago (or parmesan) cheese
1 Ladle of pasta water

Remove paper and skin from each garlic clove, and slice into thin chips.  Place garlic chips in a small but heavy pan and pour in the olive oil. Turn on the heat and adjust to keep to a low simmer, stirring occasionally. As the garlic starts to darken, turn off heat and wait until the garlic turns a light to medium brown. Immediately remove garlic with a slotted spoon and dry on paper towels. The garlic should become crisp.

Meanwhile, cook the pasta and when it is ready, pour a ladle full of pasta water into the oil. Drain pasta, dump it into a large bowl then add the oil, parsley, salt, fresh ground pepper and the cheese. Top with the garlic chips and serve with crusty bread and a tomato salad. A fresh Burgundy or a white Cote de Rhone will finish off the remaining germs.

*When you have old garlic, cut it lengthwise and look for a yellow to green core, which tells you that the garlic is getting on and probably bitter. Using a small, sharply pointed knife cut out this inner stem and the taste will be restored.

Sunday, October 30, 2011

A Wondrous Sight

The Canada geese are arriving from their Summer homes up North and this reminded us of another charming visitor. Last Winter on our way home from Chestertown, MD, we came across huge flocks of Snow Geese (Chen caerulescens). 

Unlike the ubiquitous Canada Geese, the shy Snow Geese are relatively unknown. They arrive on the Eastern Shore in fewer numbers and flock together in a small area as opposed to their cousins who call every empty field, or body of water their domicile. 

Snow Geese prefer to spend most of their time in large fields, rather than huddle in large bodies of water around the Chesapeake Bay. This particular flock numbered at least 1,000 birds, who would either settle down in a dense mass of feathered bodies or spend a good part of an hour freewheeling in the air like a dog circling and circling a likely spot on the ground before settling in for a nap.

And the result is spectacular. Sub flocks of hundreds of Snow Geese fly by in a waving grey mass. Then they suddenly change direction all at once, much like fighter planes in a dogfight and the whole mass turns into a brilliant white. One more abrupt change of direction reveals a third fascinating display of white wings with contrasting black tips.

Eventually the snow Geese fly beyond our sight leaving us to realize that we can't think of a nicer reason to live on the Eastern Shore of Maryland.  “Sailboats racing on the bay, wild geese covering the horizon, a plate of steamed crabs and a wonderful sense of Colonial America … all combine to add a new dimension to our Chesapeake Lifestyle!”